The Curious Case of Bart Bumblethorn and the Goose-Dragon
Once upon a time, in a village known as Dribbledunk, where the cows gave chocolate milk and the hens laid confetti-filled eggs – because, why not? – lived a man by the name of Bart Bumblethorn. Now, Bart was not your run-of-the-mill fellow; for one, he had a mustache that twisted and twined like a rosebush in a hurricane. For another, he had a voice that sounded like a tuba filled with honey and gravel; and let's not get started on the fact that he wore bright purple trousers with a belt of jingle bells, even in July.
One fine morning, Bart set out to the market in hopes of selling his legendary polka-dotted pumpkins. He strolled down the cobbled streets of Dribbledunk, his trousers jingling all the way, tipping his oversized hat to the ladies and bowing to the gents. But little did he know that his life was about to take a most bizarre turn, for there upon that winding path stood a creature, the likes of which Dribbledunk had never seen.
Behold! A goose, as white as snow, with a glint in its eye that suggested it knew the secrets of the universe – or at least the recipe for a decent quiche.
But this was no ordinary goose. Oh no! This goose stared at Bart with a gaze as intense as a teapot on the verge of a nervous breakdown. And then, the goose spoke:
"Good sir!" said the goose, in a voice that rattled the bells on Bart's belt. "I am not merely a goose; I am Gustav, the Great and Terrible, a dragon trapped in avian form by a curse most foul!"
Bart blinked, certain that he'd consumed one too many cups of Mrs. Fiddlesticks' Fermented Fizz the night before. But the goose – or Gustav, if that was its real name – was insistent.
"I require your assistance," Gustav honked dramatically. "Break the curse that binds me, and I shall reward you with treasures beyond your wildest dreams!"
Now, Bart was curious – who wouldn't be when confronted by a delusional goose? – and he fancied himself a bit of an amateur curse-breaker. After all, he'd successfully unclogged Mrs. Doodlewhip's enchanted sink that one time. With a nod, he agreed. "Lead the way, oh scaly goose-dragon," said Bart, wondering if the sun had gone to his head.
Gustav waddled with surprising dignity to the edge of Dribbledunk, where stood a forest so dense, it looked like a giant, leafy hedgehog. "The curse can only be broken in the Clearing of Cosmic Conundrums," Gustav informed Bart, who nodded as if he frequented cosmic clearings every Tuesday.
As they ventured forth, the trees whispered amongst themselves, no doubt commenting on Bart's distinctive trouser-jingle. Creatures of all sorts peered from the shadows, their eyes widening as the pair passed by – a man and a goose on a mission to cheat fate itself.
After what seemed like a dozen or so chapters’ worth of wandering, the duo stumbled upon the aforementioned clearing. It was as clear as clearings could get, so no complaints there. However, the moment they set foot in the meadow, a booming voice filled the air.
"Oh, seekers of destiny!” thundered the voice. "To break the curse, thou must face three impossible trials!"
Bart felt a tremor in his jingle bells. "Impossible, you say?" he murmured to Gustav. But before Gustav could respond, the first trial appeared: A mammoth peach pudding, jiggling as though it intended to squish them beneath its fruity immensity.
The voice echoed once again: "Devour the Unending Pudding, or forever be trapped by the curse!"
As a man of considerable appetite, Bart took up a spoon the size of a shovel and began to eat. Bite after heroic bite, he conquered the peachy behemoth.
"Impressive!" conceded the voice. "But now, face the second trial: The Riddle of the Inscrutable Squirrel!"
A squirrel, wise or possibly just constipated, scampered forth and queried, "What is the color of happiness?"
Bart pondered deeply until, with a jingle and a flash of insight, he declared, "Happiness, dear squirrel, is not a color but a feeling, much like the contentment found in a pair of perfectly ridiculous purple trousers."
Stunned by Bart's wisdom (or perhaps by his jingle), the squirrel nodded. "Truly, you are a sage of sartorial splendor," it agreed.
The voice, though audibly grumpy at being outwitted twice, thundered the final trial. "Behold! The Incredibly Annoying Goblin Choir!"
A group of goblins appeared, their singing so atrociously off-key that it made the leaves on the trees attempt to cover their own ears. But Bart, with his tuba-voice, joined the goblins' song, harmonizing with their screeching, turning it into a symphony of improbable beauty.
As the last note faded, a thunderclap rang out, and the "goose-dragon" Gustav burst into a shower of sparks! When the light subsided, in his place stood – alas, still a goose – but a goose wearing a tiny crown!
"The curse... is less broken than I hoped," Gustav admitted sheepishly.
Bart chuckled, patting the crowned goose. "Fear not, my feathery friend. A goose-dragon you may not be, but together we've woven a tale worth a dragon's hoard of laughs!"
And so, Bartholomew Bumblethorn and his regal goose sidekick Gustav returned to Dribbledunk, their tale growing taller with every retelling. The villagers never did let Bart forget his grand adventure, nor the day he wore the belt of triumph: a shiny new addition to his purple pants, fashioned from the tiniest jingle bells one ever did see. For in Dribbledunk, where the ordinary was peculiar and the peculiar was ordinary, Bart and Gustav had become, rather unwittingly, the stuff of legend.
The end.
